I feel like I'm getting dumber. My memory hasn't always been great but it feels like it just keeps getting worse. I swear I used to be confident in the stuff I knew but anymore I question everything I think. So it's rough when confronted online. I'm getting to where I don't want to post opinions because people are always telling me I'm wrong and armed with good points and evidence. I'm also getting increasingly paranoid. I hear my neighbors go in and out of their yard, but sometimes I think it's someone in our yard messing with the box where the internet connects to the house. It's wide open with all the splitters and coax exposed but I know that's because Gene did a thing to better the internet and got lazy about making sure it was put back properly. Still, when I hear noises out there I imagine someone tapping in at the splitter to bypass wifi security and accessing and spying on me. Yesterday I saw a car pull out of the driveway right after hearing the noises. I've even thought about putting a bell on the bottom of our gate so I know when it's ours being opened. Then there's our mailboxes being broken into. just us and two neighbors. It feels targeted but like... why?

Well, my paranoid brain even has that covered. Could be a stalker but I highly doubt that. In a demented way I still feel like stalkers base their affections on beauty so me being ugly = not being worth stalking which I know better. I know thinking of someone as "worthy of stalking" is dangerous and fucked up and not how it works. I know that's part of rape culture and how men view sexual harassment towards women as a "compliment". Even so, I doubt it's a stalker. Could be some clandestine government organization because of some red flag words I typed on facebook? Could be someone from my student loans? Could be someone trying to disprove my disability? In a screwy way it's like I want to be important enough to be spied on, but not really. I feel insignificant all the time. But I also don't want fame. Or infamy. I want to be important to people but on a small scale. I want to improve the lives of sick animals, I want people to want to care about me. Not be tricked into caring about me because they are used to having me around.

Stomach is all in knots tonight. Can't sleep. Not sure why. I suppose I'm feeling nostalgic. Missing the past. Missing people who've left my life. Pets too. I just have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel lonely. I feel so pathetic sometimes. I know my sensitivity and compassion and resistance to masculinity is ultimately a positive and a good thing about me, but I still feel overly sensitive. I wish I was with someone tonight. Or had Nacho with me. Or a cute cuddly pibble full of personality or I dunnoh. I guess I need a better distraction than TV that reminds me of people I've lost or things I liked from life in the past despite the stuff I hated at the time.