Well, I fucked up. I mean it's not the worst thing ever. I bought another wheelchair because I thought it would be good to have even a crappy one before the one I ordered gets here. I was so excited that a friend found one for $30 that I failed to notice it did not have leg supports. It's basically worthless. I tried using it as a cart to transport garbage but on the way back I quickly realized how much it looked like I had just finished disposing of a body. And there isn't really a way to get my money back. I just have to suck it up. It's just really depressing after the conversations I've had with the people closest to me who seem to be opposed to me getting a wheelchair. Even my dad has joined team anti-wheelchair. It's even worse with him because he's on team holistic medicine and bullshit willpower healing methods. They all seem to think I can just think myself out of this. They tell me about how pain is all in the mind and there are people who can withstand freezing temperatures in their underwear for days just by controlling their thoughts. But fail to mention how it takes decades to train your mind for that shit. Last night Jen, frustrated with how much I need to lay down said I should get a hospital bed instead of a wheel chair. Also said that this is all because of how I deal with stress. Said she's worry about me using the wheelchair as a crutch. My mom says she's worried I'll rely on the chair too much. They remind me all the places it won't help me because of limited wheelchair access. They ask if I'm even going to be able to push it. One minute my mom is telling me to go on disability the next my step dad is scoffing at the notion because he doesn't think I deserve it. It's like the only thing that will satisfy any of them is if Im just constantly in pain and I shut the fuck up about it. They're as bad as my doctor. I'm just so God damned overwhelmed and the only people who are supportive emotionally are people who never see me. Who don't even see how much I struggle every God damn day and they fucking get it. The people who do see me, see one day where I'm feeling better and suddenly I'm faking all the other days or convincing myself it's worse than it is. And if I say anything to Jen then she just gets all quiet because she's "not allowed to say her opinion" which just makes it all worse and I'm just so fucking frustrated with all of this.

It's pretty awesome to feel like shit all the time and then be given shit for taking a nap after enduring four hours of labor that feels like torture. Especially when you already work with people who can't seem to look at the world from anyone else's point of view. No, by all means keep getting on my fucking case for what a worthless peice of shit I am. Make me feel bad about getting a wheelchair. Make me feel bad about resting. Remind me constantly how all of this is my fault and that I'm boring and that I don't put as much into this relationship as you. I should be used to shit kind of shit after how I grew up so yeah, I can take. Useless peice of shit Jordan can take it. Why not?

Feeling naseus with worry. My brain wants to do more with my life and my body won't let me. I find it hard, especially when everything is so polarized to maintain friendships. Seems like the quickest way to lose friends is to share your opinion on a hot button issue on Facebook. But I don't really enjoy hanging out with people. Especially not in groups. But I need it. I crave social interaction. I'm just so terrible at it. I know I have Jen but I just feel so incredibly lonely these days. I sleep all day, struggle to sleep at night, spend my waking time mostly sitting in bed doing fuck all.

Something about this constant insomnia makes me feel sad and lonely. Even when I'm next to Jen while she sleeps, I just wait for people to text or PM me on Facebook and hope I have something interesting to say back. I feel like all I do is bitch about my chronic illness anymore. I'm so sick of the only times I feel normal being when I'm in bed laying down. I'm sick of feeling like my life is speeding by and like I'm missing out on having friends and fun. Sure I have Jen, but besides her I don't really hang out with anybody. What would I even do? I'm so boring. And most of my friends being female doesn't help. Something setting aside time to watch Netflix and eat junk food with another woman doesn't exactly seem platonic. But I hate being friends with guys, it's always some kind of macho passing contest or showing off or talking about politics or more often not being able to connect in any way because most of my interests are considered girly. And since I'm such a hermit with no money my best friends are girls I text or message on Facebook but never actually spend any time with. I would love to have like a crafting day with someone or volunteer with someone at a humane society or just chill out watching movies and talking.