Well, I fucked up. I mean it's not the worst thing ever. I bought another wheelchair because I thought it would be good to have even a crappy one before the one I ordered gets here. I was so excited that a friend found one for $30 that I failed to notice it did not have leg supports. It's basically worthless. I tried using it as a cart to transport garbage but on the way back I quickly realized how much it looked like I had just finished disposing of a body. And there isn't really a way to get my money back. I just have to suck it up. It's just really depressing after the conversations I've had with the people closest to me who seem to be opposed to me getting a wheelchair. Even my dad has joined team anti-wheelchair. It's even worse with him because he's on team holistic medicine and bullshit willpower healing methods. They all seem to think I can just think myself out of this. They tell me about how pain is all in the mind and there are people who can withstand freezing temperatures in their underwear for days just by controlling their thoughts. But fail to mention how it takes decades to train your mind for that shit. Last night Jen, frustrated with how much I need to lay down said I should get a hospital bed instead of a wheel chair. Also said that this is all because of how I deal with stress. Said she's worry about me using the wheelchair as a crutch. My mom says she's worried I'll rely on the chair too much. They remind me all the places it won't help me because of limited wheelchair access. They ask if I'm even going to be able to push it. One minute my mom is telling me to go on disability the next my step dad is scoffing at the notion because he doesn't think I deserve it. It's like the only thing that will satisfy any of them is if Im just constantly in pain and I shut the fuck up about it. They're as bad as my doctor. I'm just so God damned overwhelmed and the only people who are supportive emotionally are people who never see me. Who don't even see how much I struggle every God damn day and they fucking get it. The people who do see me, see one day where I'm feeling better and suddenly I'm faking all the other days or convincing myself it's worse than it is. And if I say anything to Jen then she just gets all quiet because she's "not allowed to say her opinion" which just makes it all worse and I'm just so fucking frustrated with all of this.

It's pretty awesome to feel like shit all the time and then be given shit for taking a nap after enduring four hours of labor that feels like torture. Especially when you already work with people who can't seem to look at the world from anyone else's point of view. No, by all means keep getting on my fucking case for what a worthless peice of shit I am. Make me feel bad about getting a wheelchair. Make me feel bad about resting. Remind me constantly how all of this is my fault and that I'm boring and that I don't put as much into this relationship as you. I should be used to shit kind of shit after how I grew up so yeah, I can take. Useless peice of shit Jordan can take it. Why not?

Feeling naseus with worry. My brain wants to do more with my life and my body won't let me. I find it hard, especially when everything is so polarized to maintain friendships. Seems like the quickest way to lose friends is to share your opinion on a hot button issue on Facebook. But I don't really enjoy hanging out with people. Especially not in groups. But I need it. I crave social interaction. I'm just so terrible at it. I know I have Jen but I just feel so incredibly lonely these days. I sleep all day, struggle to sleep at night, spend my waking time mostly sitting in bed doing fuck all.

Something about this constant insomnia makes me feel sad and lonely. Even when I'm next to Jen while she sleeps, I just wait for people to text or PM me on Facebook and hope I have something interesting to say back. I feel like all I do is bitch about my chronic illness anymore. I'm so sick of the only times I feel normal being when I'm in bed laying down. I'm sick of feeling like my life is speeding by and like I'm missing out on having friends and fun. Sure I have Jen, but besides her I don't really hang out with anybody. What would I even do? I'm so boring. And most of my friends being female doesn't help. Something setting aside time to watch Netflix and eat junk food with another woman doesn't exactly seem platonic. But I hate being friends with guys, it's always some kind of macho passing contest or showing off or talking about politics or more often not being able to connect in any way because most of my interests are considered girly. And since I'm such a hermit with no money my best friends are girls I text or message on Facebook but never actually spend any time with. I would love to have like a crafting day with someone or volunteer with someone at a humane society or just chill out watching movies and talking.

I usually consider myself someone who at least tries really hard to be patient. I think impatience is big source of tension and conflict for a lot of people and I've dealt with abusive behavior from someone who could use more patience. I like to think for the most part I succeed. Even I have my limits, though. The last couple of days have been a test of that. I'm trying really hard to employ empathy and understanding and I'm trying not to be too sensitive when dealing with grumpy or dismissive behavior. I'm trying to not be selfish or hurtful and trying to appreciate what has been done for me. Sometimes it feels like it's all for nothing, though. My feelings do get hurt. And people can do incredibly nice and thoughtful things and then turn around and be completely selfish and rude.

Fancy Title

Well, here I am again. Starting a new journal for the 20th time it seems like. I'm realizing maybe I put a little too much of myself into Facebook and although some people seem to appreciate the honesty, I'm sure others are not so keen. I still keep my previous blog as professional avenue, but this one is for the less than career-oriented ramblings.

I'm having trouble sleeping lately. A lot of it is my... whatever is wrong with my nerves. Therapist says conversion disorder but I'm still not convinced it's all in my head. I've had a lot of time recently where the weight of depression and anxiety have been lifted for longer periods of time than I'm used to. While it's easier to deal with the pain and the all around discomfort, it's not gone. There is still something that makes it hard to breathe, that makes my nerves scream at me that makes me that makes simple tasks like chewing food seem like an Olympic sport. That tingling and numbness and aching makes getting rest pretty difficult. The only exception is if I had just woken from a decent sleep. Then, sure, I can get back to sleep a lot easier.

Anyways, I've said all this before. Part of me feels like a broken record. I try not to jump to conclusions otherwise I'd have MS, ALS, Fibromyalgia or Ataxia in general. But the truth is I don't know what it is. I don't have a diagnosis and at this point I'm so fed up and burnt out on all these doctors and specialists passing the buck that I just as soon suck it up and deal with it. That's all they are telling me anyways.



Other than that things are going relatively okay. Things are strained as always with Jen, but I just need to work harder to find a balance. My mom and Gene are getting the floors repaired and dried out in the next few days which means I will be displaced, out of the house, out of my comfort zone that I only recently got acclimatized to. It'll be okay, though. I only hope Jen doesn't get frustrated with me or feel like I'm encroaching on her space. I'm staying at her place while this takes place and it will take a week to three weeks. I'm going to try to help out while I'm there while not interfering too much or disrupting her life, but I know I can be obnoxious and I'm not really sure where her boundaries are. I know that sometimes she can feel like my cleaning is a judgement and I guess if you really super analyze it, sure, I'm looking at the mess and thinking "this should be clean" but I'm not thinking "God, she's lazy." I'm thinking that she must be exhausted from the emotional strain of a 40 hour work week at a call center and that she has her own pain to deal with and maybe it would be nice to take care of a bit of her to do list.

I also worry about her feeling used. I've been a little too logical in my planning of visits. I try to conserve gas so I don't have to ask for money from my mom so I plan the time I spend with her around my work and appointment schedule. It's not that I only stay at her place to save gas, but I choose when I stay to save gas. I do get where she is coming from, though. I just wish she understood it's not that she isn't worth my time. It's that I'm broke and I'm trying to be smart about it. I do need to try and make more time for her, though that doesn't revolve around convenience.

I worry that she feels me staying there is me using her. Originally I was told I would get my own hotel room at even a separate hotel and I was thinking it might be nice to have her over there while all this is going on but then I discovered that I would be sharing essentially a small apartment with my mom and Gene and I know she won't want to come over if they are also there so my thinking was that I might as well stay at her place (which granted, she did offer) so I can spend time with her easily. They are still getting the apartment with two bedrooms in case I need to stay there so if she is feeling smothered or irritated by me, there's that as an option.


I've been trying to reach out to people a bit more. So far it's only been relatively effective. I do worry that Jen and the people I've been talking to get the wrong idea. Mainly because of the awful thing where I pretty much hate guys and hate having to deal with the constant machismo and pissing contests that guy friends bring. But the thing is, when I was younger I had a hard time with the whole platonic thing, but these days I enjoy the "friend zone". It's a nice place to be. It's nice to have friends that can tell me they love me and it not be in a romantic way but in a genuine they care about me way and that's something I need. It's nice to have friends that I care about. It's nice to have friends that are dealing with similar problems. But honestly I know I can be a better friend to them. And I think my improving mood and outlook has been helping with that. I've reconnected with a friend who I've cared about for a while but hadn't even bothered to ask how they were for months or even years. And now with another friend being far away and chronically bored, I can definitely try harder to keep in contact with her. Its strange how I seem to have more friends online, people who seem to actually give a damn about me even though we never see each other than I do in the "real world". And that's not meant to be a accusation toward other people. It's more a reflection of how I need to improve socially. I guess I just struggle to initiate any sort of social whatever because I'm broke. And since most of my friends are women, it feels inappropriate to just "hang out". I would never cheat on anyone, including Jen, but I don't want to cause Jen to have reason to doubt me. Hopefully as I start to piece my life together I will figure this part out to. And hopefully it doesn't take having a disposable income to figure it out.