Well, here I am again. Starting a new journal for the 20th time it seems like. I'm realizing maybe I put a little too much of myself into Facebook and although some people seem to appreciate the honesty, I'm sure others are not so keen. I still keep my previous blog as professional avenue, but this one is for the less than career-oriented ramblings.
I'm having trouble sleeping lately. A lot of it is my... whatever is wrong with my nerves. Therapist says conversion disorder but I'm still not convinced it's all in my head. I've had a lot of time recently where the weight of depression and anxiety have been lifted for longer periods of time than I'm used to. While it's easier to deal with the pain and the all around discomfort, it's not gone. There is still something that makes it hard to breathe, that makes my nerves scream at me that makes me that makes simple tasks like chewing food seem like an Olympic sport. That tingling and numbness and aching makes getting rest pretty difficult. The only exception is if I had just woken from a decent sleep. Then, sure, I can get back to sleep a lot easier.
Anyways, I've said all this before. Part of me feels like a broken record. I try not to jump to conclusions otherwise I'd have MS, ALS, Fibromyalgia or Ataxia in general. But the truth is I don't know what it is. I don't have a diagnosis and at this point I'm so fed up and burnt out on all these doctors and specialists passing the buck that I just as soon suck it up and deal with it. That's all they are telling me anyways.
Other than that things are going relatively okay. Things are strained as always with Jen, but I just need to work harder to find a balance. My mom and Gene are getting the floors repaired and dried out in the next few days which means I will be displaced, out of the house, out of my comfort zone that I only recently got acclimatized to. It'll be okay, though. I only hope Jen doesn't get frustrated with me or feel like I'm encroaching on her space. I'm staying at her place while this takes place and it will take a week to three weeks. I'm going to try to help out while I'm there while not interfering too much or disrupting her life, but I know I can be obnoxious and I'm not really sure where her boundaries are. I know that sometimes she can feel like my cleaning is a judgement and I guess if you really super analyze it, sure, I'm looking at the mess and thinking "this should be clean" but I'm not thinking "God, she's lazy." I'm thinking that she must be exhausted from the emotional strain of a 40 hour work week at a call center and that she has her own pain to deal with and maybe it would be nice to take care of a bit of her to do list.
I also worry about her feeling used. I've been a little too logical in my planning of visits. I try to conserve gas so I don't have to ask for money from my mom so I plan the time I spend with her around my work and appointment schedule. It's not that I only stay at her place to save gas, but I choose when I stay to save gas. I do get where she is coming from, though. I just wish she understood it's not that she isn't worth my time. It's that I'm broke and I'm trying to be smart about it. I do need to try and make more time for her, though that doesn't revolve around convenience.
I worry that she feels me staying there is me using her. Originally I was told I would get my own hotel room at even a separate hotel and I was thinking it might be nice to have her over there while all this is going on but then I discovered that I would be sharing essentially a small apartment with my mom and Gene and I know she won't want to come over if they are also there so my thinking was that I might as well stay at her place (which granted, she did offer) so I can spend time with her easily. They are still getting the apartment with two bedrooms in case I need to stay there so if she is feeling smothered or irritated by me, there's that as an option.
I've been trying to reach out to people a bit more. So far it's only been relatively effective. I do worry that Jen and the people I've been talking to get the wrong idea. Mainly because of the awful thing where I pretty much hate guys and hate having to deal with the constant machismo and pissing contests that guy friends bring. But the thing is, when I was younger I had a hard time with the whole platonic thing, but these days I enjoy the "friend zone". It's a nice place to be. It's nice to have friends that can tell me they love me and it not be in a romantic way but in a genuine they care about me way and that's something I need. It's nice to have friends that I care about. It's nice to have friends that are dealing with similar problems. But honestly I know I can be a better friend to them. And I think my improving mood and outlook has been helping with that. I've reconnected with a friend who I've cared about for a while but hadn't even bothered to ask how they were for months or even years. And now with another friend being far away and chronically bored, I can definitely try harder to keep in contact with her. Its strange how I seem to have more friends online, people who seem to actually give a damn about me even though we never see each other than I do in the "real world". And that's not meant to be a accusation toward other people. It's more a reflection of how I need to improve socially. I guess I just struggle to initiate any sort of social whatever because I'm broke. And since most of my friends are women, it feels inappropriate to just "hang out". I would never cheat on anyone, including Jen, but I don't want to cause Jen to have reason to doubt me. Hopefully as I start to piece my life together I will figure this part out to. And hopefully it doesn't take having a disposable income to figure it out.
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